Wow, this is a great honest read. Funny how so many of us on a spiritual journey struggle with marijuana and tobacco or addiction in general, also funny how I've needed centering and found these posts. I'm currently on a low binging survivor seasons wishing for an escape from myself and reading this has recharged my spirit. Thank you for sharing your experience, it has helped me with my own. I turn 30 in September, I hope to have a healthy relationship with both plants and be sober the majority of the time. 30 seems like a good number, speaks to my spirit lol. Anyway, I hope you the best on your journey Reiman, thanks again!
Glad to know it’s not just me who’s made a living out of picking those cosmically significant dates that will mark THE beginning of a perfect, brand new, addiction-free existence. I couldn’t tell you how many of those I’ve attempted...
I’ve gotten a good bit out of the pieces you’ve shared since the start of this page in November ‘21. It’s encouraging to read the thoughts of someone with a similar disposition who also has a few more years of experience under his belt. The voices offering advice and direction through dead trees and digital screens are many, but you continue to resonate. So thank you for that.
I’m not sure what else to say, other than I feel this post -- and the headspace behind it -- deeply. Despite some of my brilliant efforts in wresting my soul free of addiction and rekindling that inner flame, the journey across spacetime will never be anything other than up and down. Even half a year into what should by the book be an “up” period has me feeling some of the lowest emotions and facing some of the most menacing self-doubt.
It’s a grind, and I’m still not the man who can embrace the grind joyfully and continually. But I’m confident I will be one day.
Look, all this to say: 1) I’ve read essentially all of your posts here, and they’ve meant a good deal to me. Despite your (relatable) fears, you still write well, and you still have a lot of value to say. (The anecdote about going through cannabis withdrawals at the retreat was fascinating; I could only imagine.) So thank you. I’ve never commented, but I figured at least once I ought to tell you -- text box to text box -- just what you’ve meant to another human on this planet.
And 2) I get it. The ups and downs, the cycle that never seems to end. I’ll make no attempt at a motivational speech here at the end, but I will say: I’m rooting for you. (I think) I understand a lot of what you have and are experiencing. And I think we’re gonna make it.
Wow, thank you brother. I'm so glad you decided to comment at least once. A lot can be transmitted even text box to text box, and it's meaningful to know that my sharing has been meaningful to you or to any other human on the planet.
I totally hear the "ups" being no guarantee of good feels. What I've found is that every time I level up, life / universe just asks more from me, presenting me with new and deeper challenges. I can only imagine what I'll be facing this summer when I'm also a half-year "up" (regardless of low emotions and self-doubt, congrats on that!!), but I'm here for it. How can we turn down the immense growth offered to our spirits in this time?
One time someone commented here and moved me by saying something really simple. All the preoccupation with doing, doubt and "making a mark" or "overcoming" is downstream from being. Peace is always here, we can always be present, and we are guided. I'm rooting for you too, BC, and I agree with your thoughts; we're gonna make it. We already are :)
100% agree about how leveling up leads to new and deeper challenges. The universe looks to test your resolve and your progress, in a way. Each new challenge is an opportunity to either pass the test, and continue on the ascendant path, or fail, and thus regress and/or stagnate until you’ve learned what you need to learn at that level.
Kinda like the joint that fell out of your bed on your second day cannabis-free. It was just a coincidence, sure, but at some deeper level it was the perfect cosmic test for you at that point in time. Do you make the simple choice to abstain, and thus begin your journey of prolonged sobriety, or do you give in to temptation, and perhaps relive the past year’s trials until you’re ready to try again? A small example, but a relevant one I think.
Regardless, thanks again for all your posts, and for your comment here. Let’s level up and have a paradigm-shifting year!
It was really interesting reading this Reiman. I confess, I only found your blog because I've been on a two-week long Survivor binge where I've watched probably close to 15 seasons at this point. A lot of what you said was super relatable as someone that has struggled heavily with cannabis use in the past, and who has also had a lot of ups and downs over the years. It is a grind. I've also found myself deeply drawn to Buddhism, and I heavily relate to you on that spiritual front.
I know very little myself, but I've gained a lot through letting go of my need for 'The Three Poisons' in my life. In the Vipassana tradition, I think they're referred to as greed, hatred, and delusion, but in a Mahayana retreat that I did, I've also heard them called attachment, aversion, and ignorance. I think the latter presentation is more efficacious because it points to a way to exit the hope/fear cycle that so easily finds those of us with a hopelessly Sisyphysian predisposition. I can't tell you how many times in my life I have lamented the fact that I just stood there and watched the boulder roll all the way to the bottom of the hill, knowing all the while that I'm going to have to push that thing back up again. For me, I found it very liberating to let go of my attachment to being a better version of myself, and also let go of my aversion to the negative attributes within me. It sounds counter-intuitive, but for me, I found the weight of my hope crushing when I slipped, and likewise for the shame that accompanies those low moments. And it all comes back to the ego. It's not 'you' that are crushed, it is the ego that is crushed. Letting go of attachment and aversion is ultimately letting go of the ego, and it's only then that you gain agency over how you react to your circumstances. I've always loved Shakespeare's phrase "There is nothing good nor bad, but thinking makes it so."
Anyways, it's awesome that you are on such a personal journey of self-development. It's a long road out of samsara, and one that is all the more painful for those of us in the west just waking up to what other cultures have told us about it for millennia. You're never completely alone on this journey, even though it feels that way much of the time on this path. Thanks for putting something vulnerable out into the world that promotes a bit of discourse on what it's actually like to struggle and grow as a person.
Reiman, I've had issues with addiction too. Still a caffeine and nicotine addict. But I've never been addicted to cannabis, cocaine, heroin (never even tried those two), LDS 😅. I do use cannabis edibles on occasion. I had an amazing acid trip in Spring, 2021. Before my mom died. I feel like I got a brain reset from it, because I don't know how else I survived her passing.
I've also been an atheist for quite a few years now. I realized that it's just another form of slavery. I choose not to be. I'm not knocking anyone who needs it to survive. I don't. ☺️
So good to see you smiling in the new photos 😁. I really hope you decide to come back to the states someday. Because I want to meet you. You amazing guy!
I'll probably subscribe. I get inspiration from your writing. And you're just so good to look at. 😍
OMG! I loved it! I know how hard it is all the struggle of being sober or not.
Thank you for sharing it with the world, you are and always will be someone who enlightens and inspires!!
Wow, this is a great honest read. Funny how so many of us on a spiritual journey struggle with marijuana and tobacco or addiction in general, also funny how I've needed centering and found these posts. I'm currently on a low binging survivor seasons wishing for an escape from myself and reading this has recharged my spirit. Thank you for sharing your experience, it has helped me with my own. I turn 30 in September, I hope to have a healthy relationship with both plants and be sober the majority of the time. 30 seems like a good number, speaks to my spirit lol. Anyway, I hope you the best on your journey Reiman, thanks again!
Thanks Caleb! It's great to hear this could be a spiritual recharge for you; that's the goal :)
Glad to know it’s not just me who’s made a living out of picking those cosmically significant dates that will mark THE beginning of a perfect, brand new, addiction-free existence. I couldn’t tell you how many of those I’ve attempted...
I’ve gotten a good bit out of the pieces you’ve shared since the start of this page in November ‘21. It’s encouraging to read the thoughts of someone with a similar disposition who also has a few more years of experience under his belt. The voices offering advice and direction through dead trees and digital screens are many, but you continue to resonate. So thank you for that.
I’m not sure what else to say, other than I feel this post -- and the headspace behind it -- deeply. Despite some of my brilliant efforts in wresting my soul free of addiction and rekindling that inner flame, the journey across spacetime will never be anything other than up and down. Even half a year into what should by the book be an “up” period has me feeling some of the lowest emotions and facing some of the most menacing self-doubt.
It’s a grind, and I’m still not the man who can embrace the grind joyfully and continually. But I’m confident I will be one day.
Look, all this to say: 1) I’ve read essentially all of your posts here, and they’ve meant a good deal to me. Despite your (relatable) fears, you still write well, and you still have a lot of value to say. (The anecdote about going through cannabis withdrawals at the retreat was fascinating; I could only imagine.) So thank you. I’ve never commented, but I figured at least once I ought to tell you -- text box to text box -- just what you’ve meant to another human on this planet.
And 2) I get it. The ups and downs, the cycle that never seems to end. I’ll make no attempt at a motivational speech here at the end, but I will say: I’m rooting for you. (I think) I understand a lot of what you have and are experiencing. And I think we’re gonna make it.
Until next time brother,
BC
Wow, thank you brother. I'm so glad you decided to comment at least once. A lot can be transmitted even text box to text box, and it's meaningful to know that my sharing has been meaningful to you or to any other human on the planet.
I totally hear the "ups" being no guarantee of good feels. What I've found is that every time I level up, life / universe just asks more from me, presenting me with new and deeper challenges. I can only imagine what I'll be facing this summer when I'm also a half-year "up" (regardless of low emotions and self-doubt, congrats on that!!), but I'm here for it. How can we turn down the immense growth offered to our spirits in this time?
One time someone commented here and moved me by saying something really simple. All the preoccupation with doing, doubt and "making a mark" or "overcoming" is downstream from being. Peace is always here, we can always be present, and we are guided. I'm rooting for you too, BC, and I agree with your thoughts; we're gonna make it. We already are :)
Thanks man. That was really encouraging.
100% agree about how leveling up leads to new and deeper challenges. The universe looks to test your resolve and your progress, in a way. Each new challenge is an opportunity to either pass the test, and continue on the ascendant path, or fail, and thus regress and/or stagnate until you’ve learned what you need to learn at that level.
Kinda like the joint that fell out of your bed on your second day cannabis-free. It was just a coincidence, sure, but at some deeper level it was the perfect cosmic test for you at that point in time. Do you make the simple choice to abstain, and thus begin your journey of prolonged sobriety, or do you give in to temptation, and perhaps relive the past year’s trials until you’re ready to try again? A small example, but a relevant one I think.
Regardless, thanks again for all your posts, and for your comment here. Let’s level up and have a paradigm-shifting year!
It was really interesting reading this Reiman. I confess, I only found your blog because I've been on a two-week long Survivor binge where I've watched probably close to 15 seasons at this point. A lot of what you said was super relatable as someone that has struggled heavily with cannabis use in the past, and who has also had a lot of ups and downs over the years. It is a grind. I've also found myself deeply drawn to Buddhism, and I heavily relate to you on that spiritual front.
I know very little myself, but I've gained a lot through letting go of my need for 'The Three Poisons' in my life. In the Vipassana tradition, I think they're referred to as greed, hatred, and delusion, but in a Mahayana retreat that I did, I've also heard them called attachment, aversion, and ignorance. I think the latter presentation is more efficacious because it points to a way to exit the hope/fear cycle that so easily finds those of us with a hopelessly Sisyphysian predisposition. I can't tell you how many times in my life I have lamented the fact that I just stood there and watched the boulder roll all the way to the bottom of the hill, knowing all the while that I'm going to have to push that thing back up again. For me, I found it very liberating to let go of my attachment to being a better version of myself, and also let go of my aversion to the negative attributes within me. It sounds counter-intuitive, but for me, I found the weight of my hope crushing when I slipped, and likewise for the shame that accompanies those low moments. And it all comes back to the ego. It's not 'you' that are crushed, it is the ego that is crushed. Letting go of attachment and aversion is ultimately letting go of the ego, and it's only then that you gain agency over how you react to your circumstances. I've always loved Shakespeare's phrase "There is nothing good nor bad, but thinking makes it so."
Anyways, it's awesome that you are on such a personal journey of self-development. It's a long road out of samsara, and one that is all the more painful for those of us in the west just waking up to what other cultures have told us about it for millennia. You're never completely alone on this journey, even though it feels that way much of the time on this path. Thanks for putting something vulnerable out into the world that promotes a bit of discourse on what it's actually like to struggle and grow as a person.
Reiman, I've had issues with addiction too. Still a caffeine and nicotine addict. But I've never been addicted to cannabis, cocaine, heroin (never even tried those two), LDS 😅. I do use cannabis edibles on occasion. I had an amazing acid trip in Spring, 2021. Before my mom died. I feel like I got a brain reset from it, because I don't know how else I survived her passing.
I've also been an atheist for quite a few years now. I realized that it's just another form of slavery. I choose not to be. I'm not knocking anyone who needs it to survive. I don't. ☺️
So good to see you smiling in the new photos 😁. I really hope you decide to come back to the states someday. Because I want to meet you. You amazing guy!
I'll probably subscribe. I get inspiration from your writing. And you're just so good to look at. 😍
Take care! ❤️ and 🫂