Thank you SO MUCH for writing this! I know of you because I'm a massive Survivor fan, and like many viewers, I related to you on the show. But I can relate even more to what you've written here. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about (and reading) the same things as me. Steven Pressfield, Mark Manson, Cal Newport, Annie Dillard, and Calvin Coolidge (via Napoleon Hill) have all landed a spot on my bookshelves over the last couple years.
I'm a perfectionist in recovery and unfortunately that recovery has become more challenging since I've found some traditional success. You would think that confidence increases with success, but instead, I feel more pressure to never fail than ever before, because now I have more to lose. I have a degree in media production; I've always wanted to make creative content for a living. And then my TikTok account (where I talk about 'stuff-I-learned-in-books') exploded overnight, and suddenly I had an audience and a very public identity as "smart, articulate, put-together woman who reads many books and knows many things and makes TikToks about them."
And as I kept posting, and my audience kept growing, I felt more and more pressure to uphold that public image, while in reality I felt like I'd turned myself into a poser, a Pez dispenser of interesting, unrelated factoids and other people's thoughts. I felt trapped in it, terrified to pivot towards new content, to use my creativity for true exploration and expression, to share my OWN thoughts, challenges, perspectives. In short, I felt like a "pseudo-intellectual bullshit artist" catering to what I thought people would want to know about and what I thought would make me appear smart, put-together, perfect, instead of working on what felt meaningful and important to me.
So I just... stopped posting. I let the discomfort of that dissonance silence me. And then I instantly judged myself for it. Who gains 300,000 followers and then goes radio silent for months? Who wastes that kind of visibility when this is supposedly their dream career?
Someone who's scared of not being perfect, that's who.
Since then I've realized the only way forward is to Do The Scary Thing. And accept the possibility (the inevitability) of failing along the way. To not judge yourself for your fears or your setbacks, but to face them with presence of mind. And to press on. Anything else is avoidance, is letting Resistance win.
So I'm going to start posting again, and that's what I'm going to be making content about instead. More meta, more authentic thoughts about the challenges of "going pro."
Your writing is proof of concept to me that this kind of approach could not just be personally fulfilling, but also truly valuable to to others. Because this blog was valuable to me. This kind of internal grappling can feel so lonely until you understand how many smart, talented, compassionate people are on the same journey. It makes it easier to be kind to yourself. And maybe even makes it easier to be brave.
So I will continue to watch you with interest! Thanks for doing this work.
It didn't suck! It wasn't bad! In fact, it made me recognize something in myself...I also want to avoid sucking so much that I avoid it by not DOing the thing I really need to DO. Thanks for that. I'll take Cal's advice and your encouragement and begin.
Profoundly powerful maiden voyage, Reiman!! Turning Pro changed my life in 2013 (startupland + running) and then Pressfield’s Do The Work has guided the film journey since. Can’t wait to follow you on this beautifully wild ride!! Big hugs from Seattle ❤️
This was a fun read and sits at such a strange intersection for my own readership interest. Paralyzed writer, Survivor fan, fellow former Chicago college kid (Well. Sort of Chicago. To New England kids, Evanston is Chicago. It’s egregious, I know), 25 year old knee-deep in quarter-life crisis.
It’s comforting in a way to know that my own life trajectory, which feels deeply unsatisfying more than half the time, is not an alien experience to one of my all-time favorite reality tv entities. I can’t say I’m a superfan with only 8 seasons under my watch-belt, but I can say Spencer Bledsoe of the Brain Tribe was what hooked me in the first place.
From a fellow traveler prone to artifice, rock on, dude. Can’t wait to read more.
I know that feeling about writing not being good enough. 10 years ago I used to actively write short stories, poetry and really wanted to write a book. I've had ideas for many, entire stories mapped out.
But for 10 years I've procrastinated. I always think about writing, and then worry my quality of writing wont match the expectations. I worry about my descriptive language. That my words won't be articulate or fancy enough. I worry that it'll be 'peasantry' and that I'll be judged or deemed to be not a good writer. Which is why I pretty much only write on my personal blog now, because I don't worry about things like that on there.
Your journey sounds interesting, and you've evidently changed a lot since your time on Survivor. Your thoughtful truthful writing somehow reminds me of Jack Kerouac. Keep up the life experiences!
You're writing - hooray!
It seems giving yourself permission to suck resulted in some very unsucky writing. I look forward to more of it.
Thank you SO MUCH for writing this! I know of you because I'm a massive Survivor fan, and like many viewers, I related to you on the show. But I can relate even more to what you've written here. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about (and reading) the same things as me. Steven Pressfield, Mark Manson, Cal Newport, Annie Dillard, and Calvin Coolidge (via Napoleon Hill) have all landed a spot on my bookshelves over the last couple years.
I'm a perfectionist in recovery and unfortunately that recovery has become more challenging since I've found some traditional success. You would think that confidence increases with success, but instead, I feel more pressure to never fail than ever before, because now I have more to lose. I have a degree in media production; I've always wanted to make creative content for a living. And then my TikTok account (where I talk about 'stuff-I-learned-in-books') exploded overnight, and suddenly I had an audience and a very public identity as "smart, articulate, put-together woman who reads many books and knows many things and makes TikToks about them."
And as I kept posting, and my audience kept growing, I felt more and more pressure to uphold that public image, while in reality I felt like I'd turned myself into a poser, a Pez dispenser of interesting, unrelated factoids and other people's thoughts. I felt trapped in it, terrified to pivot towards new content, to use my creativity for true exploration and expression, to share my OWN thoughts, challenges, perspectives. In short, I felt like a "pseudo-intellectual bullshit artist" catering to what I thought people would want to know about and what I thought would make me appear smart, put-together, perfect, instead of working on what felt meaningful and important to me.
So I just... stopped posting. I let the discomfort of that dissonance silence me. And then I instantly judged myself for it. Who gains 300,000 followers and then goes radio silent for months? Who wastes that kind of visibility when this is supposedly their dream career?
Someone who's scared of not being perfect, that's who.
Since then I've realized the only way forward is to Do The Scary Thing. And accept the possibility (the inevitability) of failing along the way. To not judge yourself for your fears or your setbacks, but to face them with presence of mind. And to press on. Anything else is avoidance, is letting Resistance win.
So I'm going to start posting again, and that's what I'm going to be making content about instead. More meta, more authentic thoughts about the challenges of "going pro."
Your writing is proof of concept to me that this kind of approach could not just be personally fulfilling, but also truly valuable to to others. Because this blog was valuable to me. This kind of internal grappling can feel so lonely until you understand how many smart, talented, compassionate people are on the same journey. It makes it easier to be kind to yourself. And maybe even makes it easier to be brave.
So I will continue to watch you with interest! Thanks for doing this work.
It didn't suck! It wasn't bad! In fact, it made me recognize something in myself...I also want to avoid sucking so much that I avoid it by not DOing the thing I really need to DO. Thanks for that. I'll take Cal's advice and your encouragement and begin.
Profoundly powerful maiden voyage, Reiman!! Turning Pro changed my life in 2013 (startupland + running) and then Pressfield’s Do The Work has guided the film journey since. Can’t wait to follow you on this beautifully wild ride!! Big hugs from Seattle ❤️
This was a very interesting read! Keep up the great work. This inspired me to improve my writing
This was a fun read and sits at such a strange intersection for my own readership interest. Paralyzed writer, Survivor fan, fellow former Chicago college kid (Well. Sort of Chicago. To New England kids, Evanston is Chicago. It’s egregious, I know), 25 year old knee-deep in quarter-life crisis.
It’s comforting in a way to know that my own life trajectory, which feels deeply unsatisfying more than half the time, is not an alien experience to one of my all-time favorite reality tv entities. I can’t say I’m a superfan with only 8 seasons under my watch-belt, but I can say Spencer Bledsoe of the Brain Tribe was what hooked me in the first place.
From a fellow traveler prone to artifice, rock on, dude. Can’t wait to read more.
This is amazing, thank you. That’s all I can say.
loved this read, related to a lot of it. excited to hear more from you!
Hey Reiman, I'm excited to see where this blog goes! Real quick, how do you pronounce your name? Ia it like Rayman, or "Reee man" or something else?
As a fellow UChicago student, please write the book. I need to know how to hack this school. It's depressing out here.
Good shit. Especially the grammar and spelling. Excited for your turning pro :)
I know that feeling about writing not being good enough. 10 years ago I used to actively write short stories, poetry and really wanted to write a book. I've had ideas for many, entire stories mapped out.
But for 10 years I've procrastinated. I always think about writing, and then worry my quality of writing wont match the expectations. I worry about my descriptive language. That my words won't be articulate or fancy enough. I worry that it'll be 'peasantry' and that I'll be judged or deemed to be not a good writer. Which is why I pretty much only write on my personal blog now, because I don't worry about things like that on there.
Your journey sounds interesting, and you've evidently changed a lot since your time on Survivor. Your thoughtful truthful writing somehow reminds me of Jack Kerouac. Keep up the life experiences!
- Steven
http://steventure.blogspot.com/
Loved it - raw and real!
Awesome job! Keep it up